Regression
by NaruShika-Forever
Summary: Allen has fallen to depression. Going though his days as a possible vessel for the 14th, under constant watch of someone he isn't fully certain he can trust. He remembers the past, of days before Mana entered his life. His old habits return and he can't help but allow them. Depressed!Allen First D'Grey Man fic


This is my first D'Grey man story, so please enjoy!

Thank you Taintedangel133 for being my beta! You're amazing and I love you!

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I had been on the verge of suicide. I'm not going to lie or kid with myself anymore. Before Mana saved me, I was planning. I would go to a group of men, most likely a gang, and interrupt them from whatever they were doing, possibly saving some poor person while I was at it.

When that old clown saw me, I was about to go into a dirty alleyway where some woman was screaming. I had just rounded the corner when the man's hands covered my eyes.

"Now now, little boys shouldn't have to see that~" He said gently, pulling me back by my head. "Come with me. I'll show you something fun~" And then I was brought to the circus. I met Allen, the dog, and began to learn how to juggle and everything else that goes on in that crazy place. I had a bad attitude back then, but no longer was I suicidal. I'd forgotten the pain of hating your very own life. The nagging feeling that you shouldn't have ever been born. That the world would be happier if you were just gone.

I'd forgotten the hope of release from my present torture, no matter how little and meaningless the torture had been.

I've remembered now. I remember how good if feels to see the thing flowing through your veins and keeping you alive finally leaving your body through a thin cut. I remember the comfort of little pains.

And how horrible it is to hate yourself. Your personality, your lifestyle. Everything that makes you you.

If you're wondering why I now remember all of this, the useless childhood I had before Mana, I'll tell you.

Currently, I'm being pushed away from all the friends I've managed to gain since I've arrived at the order, and all because of Central and their senseless suspicions.

Yes, I can act as though none of this bothers me. I can pretend to forget about being watched by this Inspector Link character, and I can talk with my friends while keeping a smile on my face. I can look into a mirror and smile at my reflection, ignoring the shadowy figure walking next to me.

I can pretend a lot of things. It's a skill that comes when you play poker from the time you're 12.

But I keep all of this inside of me, and it breaks away my mind. I can feel Nea getting stronger, and it just makes me hate myself more. And it's useless that I hate myself. I know all of this, but I can't do anything about it. I truly am pathetic. I don't deserve my self-pity. There's so many people who have it worse than me. There's people who've lived on the streets their entire life. The akuma who have been forced into those skeletons, and killed their loved ones.

I hate myself, and every time I think of how much I hate myself, it gets worse because I also know I pity myself with the hate. I understand why people call this an endless cycle, when we can't change our way of thinking.

I sigh and shove more food into my mouth. I'm currently in the cafeteria, and it seems people didn't notice my sudden decrease of food I inhale . Instead of forcing the kitchen completely out of stalk of everything like I normally did, I barely took half. Jeryy seemed to be the only person to give it any thought, but he's too busy cooking for the rest of the Order to question me, thank what ever god still cares.

Lavi must have said something while I was tuned out, because everyone had started laughing. Of course, I joined in. I'm the happy-go-lucky Allen who does anything for his friends. Not some depressed bastard who makes his friends worry with his ridiculous pity party.

"Sorry, guys. I need to do some gambling before anyone complains about Master's debts. When Master's here, those things always seem to haunt me more than normal…" I shuddered unconsciously. Those evil things have to be the only thing I'm truly scared of. The Earl doesn't even compare to debt collectors when they've found you after searching a few years.

"See ya, Allen!" Lavi called out while everyone else waved goodbye. I grinned and walked out the doors, fully conscious of Link following him with the grace and silence an Inspector normally would never have.

"You've gone to a casino, right?" I asked, not fully sure what the man's answer would be. While he was far older than I, he seemed so serious about his job and didn't look like he had much fun.

"Yes. I've been stationed there for a job on many occasions." He said formally. I sighed, having thought we had already broken past this barrier when I got him to argue with me yesterday. Guess not.

"Well, have you ever played poker?" I asked, hiding my frustration behind yet another smile. If I have to deal with a newbie by my side, I'm gonna quite. They aren't able to hide their emotions correctly and tend to give me away, or accuse me of cheating when they see a slip of my had, or cards hey didn't notice suddenly appear. I know this well from all the times I had people hanging on my shoulder while I played. No one should ever think of me as an innocent man, in any form of he word. I lived with Cross for years. Anyone who expected me to come out of that without a little perversion should be ashamed of themselves.

Link lectured me that poker is not meant for children, and I bit back a groan. "Have you gotten hammered? Or at least a little tipsy?" Once again he answered with a negative, and I resigned to my fate.

Or not.

I grinned evilly. Everyone should go through this humiliation at least once! And if I can handle it at the age of 12, this old guy should be able to, too! With what ever age he's at!

Three hours later and I really, really wish I could get drunk as easily as most people. Link was blissfully unaware of life, just as I had hoped he would be after our night out. But I, even after having drunk more than a sailor who's finally returned to land, was barely buzzing. I can drink my weight in beer, just like I can eat twelve times my weight in food. For someone who doesn't really love the taste of alcohol, that's truly annoying having to drink so much of the disgusting stuff to get even a buzz.

Instead of being in that fluffy, mixed up world I was hoping for, I was left to my thoughts, overly sensitive emotions and all.

"You idiot! Stop that!" I whispered at myself. My plan from when I was young came back. Find a group of men and interfere in their business. Only this time, the group was seven level four akuma that I would somehow find and stupidly try and fight off alone. It played through my head, over and over. My fantasy fight. I would stop them from killing some innocent girl (probably a remnant of my last attempt). I would take her to safety before one of the akuma launched a blow that hit me square in the back. I would be stunned while the others began closing in. Instead of trying to run, I would fight them back as best as I could until one of the Noah came. Each time it was a different member. Lulu Bell, Tyki Mikk, Rhode Camelot, or those insane twins. Lulu transformed into Cross before killing me, a stab through the gut before wrenching upwards, slicing one of my lungs and all the organs and bones in between. Tyki reached his hand into me and played around a bit, moving my organs around and creating more pain than I experienced while my heart was being eaten. Then he left me for dead, once again, and no doctor could save me. Rhode pinned me in my mind before showing me killing all of my friends. First Lenalee, than Lavi. Miranda, Krory, Kanda. Johnny, Bak and everyone else after that. I turned into a Noah and was gleefully tearing through them, one by one. The twins created many of me, some normal and some Noah. The clones attacked me and, though they didn't have my powers exactly, they were still on par with me, slowly forcing me back until I fell. When my back hit the ground, the clones transformed into everyone one I loves, plus Cross. Everyone was smiling like they normally would, and Krory offered a hand to help me up. When I accepted it, he yanked me forward and began to drink from me. I could feel myself growing weaker, even before Lenalee broke my ribs with a kick and Miranda fast forwarded time to age me. Before Kanda stabbed his sword through my throat and Master crushed my hand. And all along Lavi was recording what was going on with some type of box contraption. (1)

When I would come back to my senses, I tried to rid these thoughts from my head, but they linger. 'Would that be a good way to go?' For example, was one of the most common

At one point, I started researching what people do when they're suicidal. I know it's not the best thing to do while drunk and depressed, but I had thought that, at that time, I would only be reading. There was no way I would actually do anything these people did.

I was wrong, and I got addicted.

It was then I began regaining memories. When reading through, I recollect the sections I had blocked as a child. I remembered the sight of people cutting themselves with rusty blades. Of the people who jumped into rivers and lakes in a suicide attempt. Of the people who climbed trees and buildings, just to get high enough that they could break their neck. And I remembered all of my attempts.

As it would turn out, the time Mana caught me wasn't my first time trying to die. It was just the one where I could do something even a little helpful in my life, and thus the only one my mind thought was good enough to keep.

When these memories returned to me, I remembered how good it felt when I slashed at my wrists, and I lifted my red, clawed hand to my normal wrist. I sliced a good, inch long cut before making three above it. My blood beaded at the surface before slowly spilling over. I grinned.

I had finally found the peace even beer had failed to give me, and it made me giddy. I gripped the bottom of my shirt in my mouth before bringing my hand to the soft skin that rested on my stomach. Just before I pushed in to slice the delicate skin to ribbons, I paused.

When I was around six I had done the same thing. After that, my stomach felt weird every time I ran away from people, and it made me slow down when it started bleeding again.

Shrugging, I did it anyway; I know how to deal with such minimal pain now. From the lower, left side of my stomach, I carved up to the lower pec, repeating the motion on my other side. I'm fairly sure my ribs also were dealt some damage, but it couldn't be more than a scratch, so I brushed it off.

Then I giggled. I don't know why, but this was just so funny. Me, the happy go lucky, was sitting in his room after drinking a bit and cutting into his own skin. And best of all? No one knew! The only person who had the slightest chance of finding out was Link, and he's passed out on the floor!

I stopped laughing. He's on the floor!

I jumped up and stumbled across the room. Blood loss will do that to you. I'm not drunk enough for there to be any effect on my walking. However, stumbling or not, I made it over to where the man was lying in a pile. I lifted him from his shoulders, heaving his weight onto the bed.

"Sorry about that." I said, even though I knew he couldn't hear me. "I'll be nicer next time. And I will bring you to another bar. You need to lighten up! Plus, it was fun to go drinking with someone I know again." Link shifted in my arms and I froze, suddenly scared he was actually awake until he muttered something, 'Ma… da… Later...', before shifting again and falling deeper into sleep. I smiled, lifted a blanket over his sleeping form, and settled down on the couch.

I shifted around a bit, unable to calm my mind. I was rubbing my feet together, making them red and raw like I always did when I couldn't sleep. A memory flashed through my mind then. It truly was a night for memories to run ramped, because I thought of how I used to fall asleep when I was around six and seven. I had learned how to do this after watching some poor hobo using the same method. I gripped at my throat, cutting off my air supply until I was getting enough to breath, while still becoming light headed. My mind became foggy, though it was a different fog from when I'm drunk. It was a haze of nothingness and peace. Loosening my grip, I drifted into sleep.

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1 - a camera.

With the strangling himself before sleeping, there's people who do that, for those of you who don't know. Maybe someone reading this is one of those people, and you understand what I'm talking about.


End file.
